アンガーマネジメント【５】

メンタル・イデア・ラボの本城ハルです。

シリーズ最後となる今回は怒りを感じた場面でどう考えて（行動して）いくのかを具体的にトレーニングしていきます。

私たちが普段行動している根幹には

【その人自身の信念、善悪の判断をしているもの＝コアビリーフ】

があり、コアビリーフはその人の“価値観そのもの”と言えます。

このコアビリーフが「〜であるべき」を引き起こす（コア）ので、人それぞれにあるコアビリーフが怒りをコントロールする重要なカギになります。

困ったことに、このコアビリーフには一般常識や他者の理屈は通用しません。人の数だけ存在するのがコアビリーフなのです。

わかりやすいコアビリーフの例を挙げてみます。

＜例＞
「子供は親に言うことを聞くものだ」というコアビリーフを持っていると、「子供は親の言うことを聞かなくてはいけない」から「子供は親の言うことを聞く“べき”だ」が生まれやすくなります。

子供は親の所有物ではなく、親とは違う考えや感情、意思を持ち、親とは違う人生を送る血の繋がりはあるけれど“別人格の他者”という現実が薄くなってしまい、“頭で”わかっていても（わかっていない人もいますが）、思いどおりにならず言うことを聞かない子供に対し、「あなたのためを思って←（これすら押し付けで虐待ですが）」と怒りを感じやすくなります。

私も発達障害を持つ手強い中学２年男子の母親なのでイライラする気持ちは物凄くわかりますし、課題が多くオレ様論をぶちかます息子に怒りを覚えます。

ただ、アンガーマネジメントを知らなかった以前とアンガーマネジメントに取り組んでいる今は、コアビリーフを知り、怒りを客観視できるようになり、一層感情マネジメントができるようになりました。それは、気持ちの折り合いがつけやすくなったことや、いつまでもイライラしなくなったこと、なかなか話の通じない息子ですが、コミュニケーションを積極的に取る時間を作るようになったことで、相互理解に繋がったのではないかと感じます。

◇

アンガーマネジメントを身につけていく上で重要なのは、

  • 最初の６秒。
  • 自身がどのようなコアビリーフに持っているのかを知る。
  • 私たちを怒らせるものの“正体”を知る（図２）。
  • 課題の修正／行動の修正（図１）。

です。

  • コアビリーフを知るためには、怒りを感じた時にアンガーログという記録を取っていきます（図３）。
  • アンガーログを記録する時に、イライラ／怒りの点数を一緒に計りましょう（スケールテクニック）（図４）。

面倒なことだと思いますか？では、あなたはどのようになりたいのかを想像してみてください。

“怒りに任せて行動して失敗したくない”、“売り言葉に買い言葉で人間関係を悪くしたくない”、“自分の意見や考えに対し反対意見があっても、感情的にならず冷静に対処できるようになりたい”、“ぶちギレた後に自己嫌悪に陥ったり後悔したくない”、大体このような感じではないでしょうか。

怒りを感じた時の自分を、“紙に書く”ことで、感情を客観的に認識するのが目的なので、最初のうちは図３のようなアンガーログを付けていくことが必要です。

私は“パートナーを大切にしたい、無駄な強い怒りで心を荒ませたくない、感情的なやり取りで子供の心を傷つけたくない”が最初のモチベーションでした。すぐに記録できるように小さなメモ帳を持ち歩き、すぐに書くことがコツです。スマホ使用に問題がない場所なら、スマホ記録でも構いません。

わかりやすく図を書きましたが、必要な項目は

  • 日時
  • 出来事（怒りを感じた状況を簡単に）
  • 思ったこと（その状況をどう思ったか）
  • 感情（その時にどのような感情を持ったか）
  • 感情の強さ
  • 行動（自分がどんな行動を取ったのか）
  • 結果（あなたの行動の結果、どのような結果になったか）
  • 違う考え方（他の視点から考えることはできなかったのかを書く）

です。

「いちいち書き出すなんて面倒くさい」「そんなことしなくたって自分はアンガーマネジメントできる」「怒っても周りに迷惑なんかかけないし（無人島でもなければ誰かを不快にしているものなので、自分を客観視できていないただの勘違い）」「自分を怒らせるほうが悪い（オレ様何様殿様気質でスペシャル身勝手ですね）」などと思う人は、途中で放り出す可能性が高いので、アンガーマネジメントには不向きかもしれません。そういう人は、

ハッキリ言います、やるだけ無駄です。

誰でも簡単に身につけられるアンガーマネジメントですが、多少の面倒くささは伴います。何かを身につける、覚えて応用していくにはそれなりの【努力】をしてきたことを思い出してください。

何度もおはじきを数えて数を覚え、学校で漢字小テストのためにノートにひたすら漢字を書き、九九はお風呂でのぼせるほど繰り返し、語呂合わせで歴史年表を覚えてきませんでしたか？資格試験のために参考書に線を引き、ノートで問題を解きませんでしたか？仕事も覚えるまでは【多少の面倒くささと努力（あるいは忍耐）】を伴ったはずです。何かを身につけることは口で言うほど簡単なことではありません。

アンガーマネジメント自体は簡単です。ただ、身につけるまでには今まで気にも留めなかったことに目を向けたり、意識し考えていくステップがあるので面倒に感じます。企業で働いていれば、多かれ少なかれ部下なり後輩は必ずいると思います。彼らとの相互理解を短時間で深める、あるいは信頼関係を短時間で築いていく【スキル】である、と考えたらどうでしょう。アンガーマネジメントも仕事の一部となれば話は違ってくるのではないでしょうか。

他者を変えることは困難です。でも、自分自身の認識をほんの少し変えるだけで、あなたに対する周りの見方や評価、あなたへの接し方にも変化が表れます。

◇

＜運営会社：Jiyuuku Inc.＞

「アンガーマネジメント【５】」への175件のフィードバック

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