やわらかな伝え方で不愉快な気持ちにならずケンカなし

メンタル・イデア・ラボの本城ハルです。

頼み上手は頼まれ上手とも言います。上手に頼めることは頼みやすい空気に繋がるのかもしれません。

パートナーはASD孤立型なので、言葉にしない『察してほしい』気持ちを察することは苦手です。

私は“察してちゃん”タイプではないので、「暇なら〇〇してくれてもいいのに」「言わなくてもそのくらいわかるでしょ」「普通は〇〇するものじゃないの?」なんて気持ちは微塵もありません。

付き合いも長いので知識と経験から行動(思考/認知)パターンをある程度理解していることもあります。

パートナーがASDでもそうでなくても、相手が自分とどんな関係にあっても、頼みたいことがある時にはお互いがやわらかな気持ちでやり取りできるコミュニケーションのコツというものがあります。

自分目線しかない察してちゃんにならないのはもちろんですが「〇〇やって(やってよ)」というニュアンスより「これやってもらっていい?」という言い方(お願いの仕方)のほうが受け取る側はやわらかに受け取りやすいと思います。

「(雨降りそうなんだから←心の声)洗濯物取り込んでよ」よりも「雨降りそうだから洗濯物取り込んでもらっていい?」のほうがやわらかく感じませんか?

ゴロゴロしている相手にイライラモヤモヤしながら(言葉にしなくてもそう思っているだけで、空気や口調には表れるものです)、「掃除機かけてるんだからどいてよ」より、「掃除機かけるから避けてもらっていい?」のほうがやわらかな気持ちになる、ということです。

ゴロゴロしているのは、言うほどではなくても体調の具合があまり良くないのかもしれませんし、夜遅くまで仕事や作業をしていてボーッとしているのかもしれません。それが明け方までゲームをしていたのなら私でもモヤモヤしてしまうかもしれませんが(笑)、でも口ではやはり「掃除機かけるから避けてね」です。

因みに、私のパートナーは体調不良ではなくとも、朝起きて約2時間はボーッとして使いものにならず、コーヒー飲む?という問いにさえ「うーん」と答えることが精一杯のようです(笑)こういう時にうっかりちょっと込み入った話をしようものなら、「今ダメ、思考力ない、全然頭に入らない」と言われます。その約2時間はテキパキ動くことなどできないことは言うまでもありません。体は起きていても脳はまだ寝ている状態のようです(笑)

頼み方に“押し付けられてる”、“命令された”、“指図された”ように感じるとモヤモヤする人は多いですよね。相手によっても私もそう感じます。

【頼む】とは多少違いますが、実験で息子への声かけの時、

「早く薬飲みなさいよ」→「先に薬飲もうよ」

「スマホルール守らないとダメ!」→「スマホルール覚えてる?」

「脱いだ衣服は畳んでよ!」→「衣服畳んでおくと着る時、気持ちいいよね、畳もうか」

に変化させると、あら不思議。よほどのことがない限り、どちらも不愉快な気持ちにならず行動できるのです。

相手がどう受け取るか?は、受け取った後に生まれる感情に繋がり、行動変容にも影響を及ぼすということです。行動変容にはさまざまなアプローチがある認知行動療法が有効なのはもちろんですが、コミュニケーションから考えてみることもとても大切だと思っています。

職場でも部下や後輩に頼む時に大いに役立つと思います。気持ちよく働きたい気持ちは誰にでもあると思います。上司や先輩の物言い一つで、部下や後輩が少しでも気持ちよく働けるかがかかっている、と言っても過言ではないかもしれません。そういうことが意識的、無意識的にせよ、できている組織やチームは、多分雰囲気が良いはずです。

混んでいる電車から降りようとしている人から「どけ!邪魔だ!」「どいて!」、ただただ手の甲や肘でグイグイ押される、舌打ちされる・・・よりも「すみません、降ります」「すみません、通してください」のほうが気持ちがやわらかになりませんか?そう言われた側の乗客達は、経験上ほぼ100%、通り道を空けてくれようとしますね。

<運営会社:Jiyuuku Inc.

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