無意識に存在する傲慢な気持ちが人間関係を不安定にする

メンタル・イデア・ラボの本城ハルです。

相手が私（親）で場所も家だからなのか、発達障害重複の息子は「ＡＤＨＤなんだから、できなくても仕方ないじゃん！やってくれてもいいじゃん、そのくらい！」がかなりの頻度で口を突いて出ます。

「やってくれてもいいじゃんそのくらい」は“そのくらい”のことをやってもらうために他者（親でも他者です）に手間をかけさせ、時間を搾取するということ、わかってますか？何より“そのくらい”なら自分でやればよくないですか？

いくら親だとはいえ、ものを頼むなら頼み方というものがあると思いますし、「できないんだからやってくれてもいいじゃん！」（そのくらいやってくれて当然）という考えそのものに傲慢な気持ちが透けて見えて、かなり不愉快になります。

親子でなければ能面になるくらい不快です。

人に何か頼む時、これは発達障害であるかどうかにかかわらず、頼む側に傲慢な気持ちが相手に透けて見えたら、その人間関係は不安定になります。

わかりやすい例として「カネがないんだから、借してくれたっていいじゃないか！」と言って借りる人はいないと思います。もし仮にそう言われたら、絶対に貸したくないし、今後は関わらないようにしませんか？（笑）

ＡＤＨＤだから不得手なことが人よりも多く困り感もあるのは理解しています。ですが、発達障害だろうが定型だろうが何でも世話を焼く年齢ではないので、頼まれてもお断り！や、ヒントを与えるだけの時もあります。

「頑張ったけどここまでしか出来なかったから、〇〇を手伝ってもらってもいい？（手伝ってもらえる？）」「手が空いているなら〇〇お願いできる？」が他者を不愉快にしないスマートな頼み方だと思うのです。自分は手もつけないで（努力せずに）ＡＤＨＤだから出来ないと投げ出し、「そのくらいやってよ」はいくらなんでも酷すぎます。

料理は私がやりますが、我が家では息子が３歳から自分が使った食器は自分で洗うのがルールです。お立ち台を準備し、最初は洗い方を教え「綺麗になってキュッキュッて気気持ちいいよね、やってみよう」で習慣化させましたが、何しろ今は何もが面倒に感じて、やたら親子関係が悪化しがちな思春期。

息子：ついでに洗っといて。

私：・・・（頼み方ってもんがあるだろ）　です。

こうではなく、

息子：一緒に洗ってもらえる？（洗ってもらってもいい？）

私：いいよ、“ついでだから”洗っとくよ。

息子：ありがとう　←こうではないかと思うのです。

頼む側が“ついでに”なんて言ってはダメなのです。

◇

「暇そうなんだからやってくれたっていいじゃない」「出来ないんだから手を貸してくれるのは当たり前でしょ」「見ててわかるでしょ、忙しそうなの、普通は自分から手伝わない？」

思い当たることありませんか？自分以外は親でも子でも血が繋がっているだけの他者、上司や部下、同僚、友人、パートナーに至っては血も繋がっていない他者です。口に出さなければあなたがどう考えているのかなんてわかりませんし、わかっていたとしても何を望んでいるのかまで細かくはわかりません。それを求めること自体が「何様？」な気がします。

時間が経ち、距離が近くなり関係性が変化（安定・安心）してくると、誰にでも無意識に傲慢な気持ちが顔を出しがちです。のっけから厚かましい傲慢な人もたまにはいると思います。そんな人には、ノーリアクション能面で遠い目をする、なんてシオシオさ対応もアリかもしれません（笑）

互いに慣れてきた時こそ、気持ち良いお願いの仕方や頼み方を心がけ、きちんとした感謝や謝罪の気持ちを『言葉にして伝える』こと、その大切さを思い出しましょう。

察してちゃんは面倒極まりない人に他ならないのです。

◇

＜運営会社：Jiyuuku Inc.＞

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